Not For the Faint of Heart

If you can't stand whiny people who complain about their problems...don't read this. 

If you're squeamish...look no further.

I'm very emotionally raw right now.  There's something about walking around and smiling at your sick child and trying to act like everthing is fine, that is completely exhausting.  I know some of you have been there...and in much worse ways.

Actually, I've felt exhausted since the first time she threw up brocolli and cheese soup and we weren't sure why.  But that exhaustion didn't fully set in and become a permanent fixture in my bones until she was diagnosed with failure to thrive at 13 months and we began to realize, there was permanent problem.  It's not a tired kind of exhaustion.  It's a deep deep worry.  It's a "what if" kind of feeling I carry everywhere I go...but pretend not to.  I think...how bad is this going to get?  Is it life threatening yet?  Will it be one day?  What if she has a horrible reaction and I'm not around?  Did I cause this?  Isn't there anything I can do to make this not a permanent problem for her?  What's more important...to protect her healt at all cost, or for her to feel more normal? 

That last question is so easy for some people who read it, but it's not for me.  This is a very internal child.  She hides her emotions until they eat at her and make her sick.  She hates being the odd man out, but unless you  know her VERY well, you would think that she has adapted marvelously.

It hurt too much to hear her chant over several years...I wish I could have a little dog, I would name her Tuesday.  I wish I could have my cat, Cinderella, back (We had to take her kitten away from her when she was 3 ).  I wish I wasn't allergic to dogs and cats and I could play with them.  I wish I could have ice cream.  Do you think I would like it?  Do you think I would like pizza.  And most people would look at her straight face and think that she was not grieving.  But those of us who love her know better.  She has been grieving for a long time.

She grieves being left out.  She grieves the pets she will never own.  She grieves being singled out in classes and groups and having all the adults gathering around reading ingredients on things the other kids are already enjoying.  She grieves that restaurants don't use her butter so therefore she can't have their mashed potatoes or something like that.  She grieves not getting to play with certain wonderful friends, because they have pets at home and she has gotten hives after playing with them before.  She grieves and is confused when kids ask her "what would happen if you accidently drank alot of milk?"

I mean, what kind of mom says "I'm sorry honey, but try not to touch your friend because you get sick when you play with her." or "No, we can't go to their house, sweetie, cause they have a dog and you're breathing has just not been so great lately."  A scared silly one.....that's what kind of mom says those things.  And then her daughter looks at her with a hauntingly sad look.

Everytime someone gets a pet I am SO bummed.  One less house to go to.  And I LOVE animals.  But now I kind of hate them. 

And during that skin test today, when Lucy's back looked......

I almost put a picture up of what her back looked like, but no one needs to see that.  Ya'll just WOULD NOT BELIEVE her poor little back.  It was unbelievable.  It makes me cry.  That one drop of milk could do that to my baby's back....I just, I don't know.  It's never been THAT bad before

And when that nurse started writing down numbers next to chicken and beef and potatoes...I wanted to throw her pen across the room and yell at her  "JUST WHAT IN HELL IS THIS SWEET CHILD SUPPOSED TO EAT?!  CHANGE IT!  CHANGE IT NOW!!"

And I just feel like I can't take it.  I don't know how she's going to react if she finds out she really is allergic to these things....and ketchup??  These are her STAPLES.  This is how she gets by.  This is how we go to restaurants and friends houses....because there were still few things people could make that we could eat.  She's going to be devastated.

And ya'll.  I know she doesn't have some terminal disease...and things could be alot worse.  But right now.  I have just been needing to cry ALL DAY.  And I couldn't.  Cause I had to lie to her all day and tell her the worst was over.  I told her the car was making funny sounds with a straight face so I could walk behind it and cry.  Because I'm hoping those skin tests were false positives. 

I know, that maybe this wouldn't be my outlook if I had been having more frequent fellowship with my God lately.  And this is just another reminder that she belongs to him and I can do NOTHING but trust.  Lord help me trust.  You ARE SO AWESOME.  And one day...we will all be healthy and there will be no tears.  And EVERYONE will be able to eat EVERYTHING.  And we will all be able to touch all of your NEW creation without fear.  And Lucy, will be SO HAPPY, because she loves beautiful things.  And I am glad.  The longer I live in this fallen world, the more I long for our real home.